How to Visit an Art Gallery

 

The year is still young.

 

Today (or whenever you read this) I will give you all a gift. A gift which will surely fulfill many of the New Year’s resolutions you never even made.

 

In 5 fairly easy steps I shall transform you into an elite member of society, the pinnacle of humankind, the ray of light in an ever dimming world. You shall become… A gallery-goer.

 

Cue the explosions.

 

Even those with next to no knowledge of art, such as myself, will be able to infiltrate any art gallery around the world using this 5 step method. For no reason whatsoever.

 

Use this power wisely.

 

First we need to get you ready. To lay the foundations for our elaborate ruse.

 

Step 1 – You must always carry a briefcase.  Even if the only contents are a Beano and some tissues, a briefcase will command immediate respect. You will become an overnight connoisseur of the fine arts, and any opinion you utter will be taken as undeniable fact. Fact.

 

Step 2 – Spectacles will need to be worn. They are an essential part of our disguise and the true purpose of this shall be revealed shortly.

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This coffee table really knows its art history.

Step 3 – Disdain must always be shown to the sworn enemy of the gallery-goer, the tourist. If ever the tourist does anything to ruin the ambiance either by taking photographs, eating a picnic or even just by speaking, you must immediately locate your nearest fellow gallery-goer, raise your eyebrows, and tut.

 

Step 4You must always use vague words of appreciation. It is completely necessary to inspect each work of art you come across by peering closely at it for 4-5 seconds. After the seconds are up, you must address no one in particular and mutter the word ‘splendid’ before shortly moving on. The following are a list of words/phrases you can use instead of ‘splendid’ in order to keep things fresh:

– Jolly good

– Well I’ll be……

– Fascinating

– Absolutely spiffing if I may say

– Elementary my dear Watson.

 

So far you’re doing great! But if you really want to knock ’em dead (an actual possibility) and have your name etched in the annals of Art Gallery History, you can use this next move. The Finishing Move.

 

Step 5Use the finishing move sparingly. Whenever you arrive to the section with the largest number of viewers, it is safe to assume that this is the main exhibition piece. The pièce de résistance, if you will.

 

Your entire life has lead to this moment.

 

The onlookers all hold their breath.

 

Using only the thumb and pointer finger from your right hand. You will slowly and dramatically re-position your spectacles from the bridge of your nose to the extreme tip of it. Gravity itself will be tempted to bring your glasses down if it, too, wasn’t holding its breath.

 

With your glasses at the tip of your nose, you must tantalisingly tilt your head ever so slightly upwards and make an expression full of pondering. This will be achieved by squinting your eyes whilst simultaneously pulling your bottom lip over the top.

 

Be careful of how often you use this pose though as many in our society actually suffer from the very rare disease, Resting Gallery Face . You have been warned.

 

As the crowd looks on, you can now relax your face, pretend to wipe dust off of your briefcase and make for the exit. After 2 short strides however, you must look up to the ceiling and let the shortest chuckle escape out from your lips and into the air.

 

Note of caution: Only a chuckle is needed at this point. A chortle could throw all our plans out the window.

 

To all present, It will be as if the artist himself has jumped through time and shared a private joke with you.

 

The mission is complete. Gravity will blink in the face of death, the Earth will resume its habitual orbit of the Sun and a lone tear will trickle down the cheek of every single gallery-goer present, as the tourist continues to ignore the ‘no flash photography’ sign up ahead.

squadgoals

Congratulations, this is your new crew! #SquadGoals

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Career of Evil by Robert Galbraith

I have tried to start this blog post 3 times already, and so far nothing has worked. So this will have to do.

A considerable amount of time has certainly passed between the last post and this but, like the father who went out for groceries 9 years ago and only returned today, let us all just carry on as if nothing has happened.

Honey, I’m home.

Today I shall attempt a short review of the latest Robert Galbraith novel, Career of Evil.

Career of Evil is the third instalment in Robert Galbraith’s  series, centering around private detective Cormoran (it’s kind of like Cameron, but isn’t) Strike and his extremely loveable (seriously) side-kick Robin Ellacott.

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I’ve never seen a book pose so hard in my entire life.

Without giving anything away, the story begins when a package by an unknown courier is delivered to my beloved Robin. Attached is a note containing lyrics by the band Blue Öyster Cult, which on its own could actually be a nice gesture, if it wasn’t sullied by a woman’s severed leg.

Strike (yes, we are on second name basis) is subsequently convinced that the perpetrator is one of four people, all of whom are from his past and with some reason to hate his guts.

What I loved about this book, which differed from the previous two, was that the narrative was split roughly 50/50 between both Robin and Strike. As we are taken through the case trying to whittle down the list of suspects, we are also taken back in time and given a large insight into the pasts of both protagonists. It feels as if the first two books introduced the characters whereas this third part has truly opened them up to us.

As an added feature, we are also shown parts of the story from the point of view of the killer. As gruesome as these sections were, I thought they were a brilliant touch to a great book.

Despite the fact that ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ and ‘The Silkworm’ set the bar very high in my mind, ‘Career of Evil’ not only met my expectations, but pretty much raised them even further for the next book. Good luck JK- I mean Robert.

If I was to criticise the book at all I would say that perhaps there could have been more twists added to the story, but then I would instantly retort by stating that the lack of a ‘twist at every turn’ added a realness to the novel.

At least I tried.

I am still struggling to decide whether this book or the first was my favourite in the series so far. If I were to go purely with my gut, the gut being the most literary-appreciative organ in the body after all, I would have to say that The Cuckoo’s Calling just about edges it. Nevertheless, Career of Evil is still a definite page turner.

It will make you miss your stop on the bus or the tube. It will make you laugh out loud at parts and may even break your heart at others. Simply put, It’s like an Adele song on steroids.

If you haven’t read the series yet then you should start questioning your life choices and maybe place me in charge of them.

Overall rating: 9/10.

Lastly, as the series will be undergoing a TV adaptation, I would like to formally nominate Greg Davies for the part of Cormoran Strike. Watch this space.

Thank you for spending your not-so-valuable time reading my blog post. Feel free to use the comment section to your fingers content. Discuss the book, discuss me, discuss global warming, discuss the sheriff but do not, I repeat DO NOT, discuss the deputy.

Happy New Year and good morrow.

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The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion

The Book I shall attempt to share my thoughts on today is ‘The Rosie Project’; a novel by Australian author Graeme Simsion originally published in the glorious year of 2013 (as you can tell, I like to keep my blog VERY current).

Please note, coffee table not included

Please note, coffee table not included

For the first 50 (ish) pages I reeeeaally didn’t like this book. I must admit that my negative opinions may be based on the fact that it’s protagonist, Genetics Professor Don Tillman, reminded me too much of Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory.

I hate the Big Bang Theory.

Well ok, ‘hate’ is a strong word but, let’s put it this way, if I flicked onto E4 and BBT was on…. I’d change the channel. That’s how serious I am about this. I don’t mess around. Come at me.

I even considered giving up and reading something else but the term ‘giving up’ isn’t a phrase that is in my vocabulary. Actually it is, but I see no reason to share that here as that’s a whole other blog post waiting to happen (The truth is that I did actually start writing that post but, needless to say..). Nevertheless, giving in and heeding the advice of my inner-farmer/conscience, I ploughed on.  And what did I find? My opinions began to evolve.

The basic synopsis of the book is that of a socially inept but brilliant-minded Genetics professor by the name of Don Tillman, seemingly with Asperger’s syndrome, and his experiment to locate the ideal wife. This said experiment eventually leads him to Rosie, who he labels ‘the world’s most incompatible woman.’ Charming.

Personally I felt that the plot was somewhat predictable but, just in case you weren’t already aware, I am a sucker for a clichéd love story. I began to warm towards Don and, not only like him, but I also came to root for him in his quest to find his perfect woman. I joined him on his journey, feeling happy for him at his high points as well as short pangs of sadness whenever the author dictated I should.

So all-in-all, I am not sure what to make of the book at all. I’m not sure if I didn’t like it simply because of my predetermined dislike (‘hate’ was a strong word after all) of The Big Bang Theory OR if I only ended up liking it due to my predilection of clichéd love stories. My gut is ordering me to give it a rating of 3 Stars, but is that because I’m just a nice guy, or because I had too much to drink at breakfast??? Pondering my own opinion on the matter has me reconsidering the very essence and purpose of my being.

I hate this book for confusing me, but I shall lend an ear to my gut, become grossly disfigured in the process, and give The Rosie Project 3 Stars (rounded up from 2.75) out of a possible 5. After all it was an easy-to-read novel, not completely lacking in funny moments, and it was my paperback companion during the tumultuous times of the London Tube strike last week.

So if you’ve read the book; do not be shy, feel free to use the comments section and share your opinions with the World! And if you’re looking for a book to read this summer that was originally published two summer’s ago, The Rosie Project may be just what you were looking for.

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Dark Fantasy At It’s Finest

I don’t claim to be psychic, but you are currently sat at home, twiddling your thumbs and with nothing much going on in your life. To me these seem like the only plausible conditions for someone to be reading my blog post. You are clueless as to what to do, all your short-term goals have thus far been accomplished and, by that, I mean you’re fully up-to-date with; Suits, Arrow, Orange Is The New Black and whatever else people are watching these days. Either that or you’re patiently waiting for the new Sherlock season to come on TV (I won’t even mention Winds of Winter).

In any case, I might just have the answer to all of your first world problems.

What I have in mind is a story like none other, a story of; love, friendship, honour, betrayal, war, politics, deception, determination, violence, intimacy and any other vague words you can think of, literally. And no, before you say it, I’m not talking about Zoey 101, as great a show as that is. What I am talking about however is, Berserk. A 37-volume ongoing manga series written by Kentaro Miura.

Set in the ‘medieval times’ we are originally introduced to the story’s main protagonist, Guts, a mysterious, muscular fellow dressed all in black, possessing a sacrificial brand on his neck and wielding a sword far larger than any sword has the right to be.

And these were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl!

The World in which Guts inhabits is filled with demonic beings known as apostles, who were once regular humans that were gifted supernatural powers at the price of sacrificing the ones they loved to the formidable and potent ‘God hand.’ The God Hand being 5 supreme, untouchable beings with powers that have still not been fully revealed to us. 

A truly blasphemous series, but epic nonetheless.

Without giving too much away, Guts seemingly sees it as his mission to dispose of these apostles for reasons unknown to us at the start of the story. Along the way we learn many things through the experiences of the various characters; we see how childhood events can plant deep roots within a person’s sub-conscience,  the importance of companionship, the burdens of protecting the ones we love, the unbreakable power of the human spirit and most importantly, the true price of attaining ones goals.

Many pages are dedicated to beautiful sketches of scenery with many deep quotes flying about here and there. To give an example, below is a quote from one of the main characters, Griffith:

“While many can pursue their dreams in solitude, other dreams are like great storms blowing hundreds, even thousands of dreams apart in their wake. Dreams breathe life into men and can cage them in suffering. Men live and die by their dreams. But long after they have been abandoned they still smoulder deep in men’s hearts. Some see nothing more than life and death. They are dead, for they have no dreams.”

Deep. So if you’re looking for something to read this summer, look no further than Berserk. The main problem, and it is quite a big one, is that the series is on-going. This may not seem like such a big issue but as the time between each chapter can vary considerably, it may take a long time to reach the end of this epic masterpiece.

Back to the positives, besides all the points I have already mentioned, you will also get to see some truly uncensored and gory action scenes, weird eggs with deformed human faces (Beherit!!) and also many, many explicit 18+ scenes, including the very first scene from what I remember (but it’s all about the story really!).

Thanks for reading and let me know if you’ve read the series, of any other recommendations you may have OR let me know what you think of the possibility of the existence of extra-terrestrial life, because that’s always an interesting topic.

Chow.

Added notes from my editor,  the ever-efficient,  sentenced-correcting, spell-checking Seemeen:

tbh I don’t see why the possibility of extra terrestrial life is so hard for people to believe, it’s a possibility init

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A Secret Vessel in the Heart of London

What a great name for some good old-fashioned click-bait. Do not despair however, for where there is a great statement, there also lies great substance. Allow me to take you by the hand and guide you right onto the doorstep of one of London’s hidden gems. For some reason ‘I’m walking in the air’ from The Snowman just started playing in my head. Regardless, let us plough on, you red-haired pyjama wearing cartoon boy.

Using the term ‘secret vessel’ or ‘hidden gem’ may be a bit of a stretch considering how I found it after merely a few minutes on Google, but to the untrained eyes of the masses, this ‘gem’ would definitely seem wholly unremarkable at first glance, to say the least.

So if you happen to be wondering in or around Soho; loitering past the many cafe’s, restaurants, theatres and sex shops, you’ll most likely waltz straight past the very thing of which I am speaking of today. What a grave mistake that would be. Your life will continue, surely, but it will be a much emptier life; full of hardship, sorrow and longing. In order to avoid such a mishap, please heed my instructions.

Whenever you find yourself not-too-far from Leicester Square and heading down Brewer Street, you will eventually come across a lovely little shop by the name of ‘Simply pleasure.com’. Before you become overly excited by these instructions however, you must exert a certain amount of willpower, avert your gaze, look directly across the road, and feast your eyes on this mother-of-all-beauties instead.

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When you awoke this morning I bet you never, in your wildest imaginations, expected to gaze upon sight such as this. Even the bags of trash take nothing away from this unknown, shrouded utopia. A majestic shop-face possessing such radiance to rival the very halls of Valhalla themselves!

And such words, such beautiful words: ‘De-luxe Cleaning.’ Surely this is no language invented by man. But what could it possibly mean???

If you are currently feeling underwhelmed, cheated, betrayed and at a loss for words, then you are well within your rights to do so. But if you stay with me for just a short while longer, you will see that things are not always what they seem.

To those individuals, however, who think of the dry cleaners and immediately liken them to slices of heaven on Earth, I apologise. You have been utterly deceived! For this is not a dry cleaners at all. This is indeed something much more sinister, taking refuge within the busy streets of London, masquerading as your innocent, every day, laundry depot.  

As you enter this dry cleaners with your arms equipped with bags of dirty clothes, you should expect these bags to drop (along with your jaw) as you stare into the face of Japan. Inside you will find shelves and shelves (and even more shelves) stocked full of Japanese books, manga volumes and possibly even DVD’s, amongst anything else I may have missed. As there are no pictures allowed inside the building, and because I’m a straight-up law abiding citizen (shocker, right?), you’ll just have to take my word for it.

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Now do you believe me??

If the shelves and shelves of manga volumes weren’t enough for you, the place is also somewhat famous for its Karaoke round the back. Though I haven’t actually done karaoke there, the reviews on Google all seem very positive.

For a manga-loving semi-geek such as myself, this was of course the equivalent to a 3 day weekend of sun, sea and A&E in the mystical land of ‘Zante.’ I must add that there was only one downer, and that was the fact that the majority of the stock was completely Japanese, with only a few shelves dedicated to manga volumes in English. Seeing as though it is a Japanese place however, I can’t really complain too much.

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Not much of a haul I must admit...

So there you go. A hidden gem right in the heart of London. Do make sure to go there yourself and let me know what you think. Alternatively if you’ve been before or if you know of any other such ‘hidden’ places in London, or anywhere, do let me know.

Hopefully you found an ounce of enjoyment in this post, but for now, in the undying words of Anne Robinson:

Goodbye! *wink*

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Dark wings, dark words – A Game of Thrones episode review

Warning. The following post will contain spoilers from the latest Game of Thrones episode.  All stunts are performed by trained athletes, please do not try these at home.  Viewer discretion is advised. No leprechauns were injured in the making of this blog post. Terms and conditions apply.

So, after watching the latest Game of Thrones episode (2 days ago), I felt it high time I write a little ‘suttin suttin’ about it…

Before I begin however it should be noted that,  having  completed the reading of the ‘A Song of ice and fire’ series,  I was recently initiated into the most notorious, badass, elitist, thug life, straight up Baller crew on all the Internet.  Yes. 

The BookSnobs 

Embrace me, fellow BookSnobs…  For I have become one of you! I am now OFFICIALLY allowed to compare anything I see or hear in this World of ours to The Books. An action which is immediately followed by a scoff, rolling of the eyes and the occasional finger wag. It is known.

If I see Jaime Lannister and Bronn loitering around in Dorne…
“Excuse me? That wasn’t in the books”

When Sansa married Ramsey Bolton..
“Ummmm I think you’ll find, young man, that that was not in the books”

When Bronn came across a pair of poisonous breasts
“Still not in the books!”

Even when my own mother made me a sandwich!
“Oh my god for the last time woman that wasn’t in the damned books!”
*throws plate on the floor and cries hysterically*

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The all-expenses-paid ticket to.. Snobtopia

… You get the picture.  Great power, great responsibility..  All that jazz.

No but seriously..  All ‘jokes’ aside.  That was NOT IN THE BOOKS 😭😭 And it wasn’t even a *good* change at that. Burning Shireen alive,  for me,  gave Stannis no benefits, whatsoever. 

In one single stroke of genius,  Stannis Baratheon:
– Turned the majority of his soldiers against him
– Turned Selyse human! (ew)
– Killed off his only heir! :S
– Made himself the most despised character in all of Westeros
-Still kept everyone hungry

And most importantly he wasted perfectly good kindling which could have been saved for Ramsey. *sigh*

Bad move my friend.. Bad move…

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A short excerpt showing the difference between Show and BookStannis😪

Since I don’t remember much of the episode I’ll go ahead and skip all the way to the end…  Because I can 😎

The climax of the episode saw a wave of fighting break out between #TeamKhaleesi and the Sons of the Harpy.  And at the climax of the climax!!! We see Daenerys mount Drogon’s spikes and flee the scene,  leaving the rest of TeamMotherOfDragons to fend for themselves. And who said gallantry was dead?

A slow clap seems in order at this point.

But the biggest crime in all of this wasn’t that she left all her friends to die..  No sirree, the biggest crime was that it happened straight after Jorah Mormont FINALLY escaped the dreaded friendzone!

When Jorah and Dany touched hands (and when he possibly gave her greyscale lolz), millions of men around the World were given ample hope in those briefest of moments. Across the globe,  all the friendzoned, brotherzoned and dadzoned (don’t ask) men looked up….. 

Only to see her fly off at the nearest opportunity!

Oh well lads we’ll get her next time ayyy..  Back to the drawing board for now. *sniff*

So all in all,  apart from the ‘shock value’ of the episode, which admittedly kept me on the edge of my seat and completely ruined my fingernails/underwear, the whole ordeal didn’t make much sense. Both Daenerys and Stannis (Dannis?) acted completely out of character, in my humble opinion, and these actions will probably lead to some rather large and further deviated consequences down the line.

Butterflies will be the end of us all…

But alas! Seeing as though there’s no need blogging over spilt milk, which is precisely what I’ve just done,  let us hope the final episode of the season will ‘Break the Internet’ as promised.

Until then ladies and starfish.. Peace 🙂

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√At last! It has arrived….

It’s finally here. The moment we’ve ALL been waiting for, the return of the one and only….. Tokyo Ghoul!!!! Whoop! Try not to get tooooo excited please. Your head will explode.  Srs.

In case you haven’t seen the series yet, refer to this post and hopefully you’ll be hypnotized by my woooords to watch it. Spooky.

And if you’re actually planning on watching the episode, then watch it now because I’ll probably spoil a few things here and there. You will come back though, right?

So without further ado: My take on Tokyo Ghoul √A

First thing’s first, you simply can’t make a Tokyo Ghoul review without mentioning the opening.. you just can’t. It would go against, well, everything. Saying ‘the standards were high’ would be a grave understatement my friends.

And you know what? Contrary to popular opinion, I actually enjoyed it. I told myself not to compare it to it’s predecessor and that must have helped. Because I loved it. Suuuure it was 2 minutes of a barely animated, topless, groped Kaneki… And of course it wasn’t nearly as exciting as others. But that wasn’t it’s purpose.

Although it was a nice, calm and serene sequence, there was definitely a lot of sadness in there also.  And this, in my opinion, must be a way of setting the tone for  future developments of the plot, as well as with Kaneki himself. What with those darn inner struggles and all…

Moving on, this is purely speculation but something, deep inside me ticker, tells me that ‘The Owl’ is actually the old dude from Anteiku. If it is him, then….. Wow. Since when did he have such raw power?! If it is the old guy (who’s name I don’t remember in the slightest) then respect to him for choosing the small business-running life over the eating of the entire human race… life.

Following The Owl we were then shown some mental footage of Ayato absolutely tearing into Touka (which incidentally broke my heart in like… 5 different places). But just before his finishing blow….. In came…

The 130 Pound, White haired, Kakashi-looking half ghoul from Tokyo, Japan. None other than….

Kennnnn Kaneki!

To be honest the only thing I’m remembering whilst writing this, was when he knee’d Ayato in the balls, which may explain why I’m currently sat cross-legged. Ouuuuuuch. Even though the fight was pretty short, we still got to see Kanekis ‘badassness’. Just a day or two ago he wouldn’t stand a chance against Ayato but now he’s telling him to be quiet and let him speak!?!?!

Can simple Maths really do that to a man??? What’s 1,000 minus 7? If only I paid more attention in school -_- 

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The 'looking into the distance' pose comes free with the mask

The animation throughout was completely on point. The last scenes in particular were simply perfect. Even down to the small details like the snow etc…

Overall, I thought the episode was really well made. The fighting scenes mayyyybe could have been longer but I still feel they were sufficient. It tied many things together yet also lead to some very interesting questions..

What actually is Ayato’s overall goal?
Who are all these new ghouls????
And why has Kaneki joined the Aogiri!??

Personally I’m quite excited to hopefully find all this out in the near future.

If I was to give it a rating out of 10.. which would have saved all that time you just wasted… Then this episode would getttttttt…….. a 7. I think that’s fair.

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Thank you for reading, if you’ve seen the episode or the show then let me know your views in the comments????? Worth a shot lolll

P.s If you’ve read the manga then no spoilers plOx.

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To Infinity… And Beyond!

So…. We’re already two days into 2k15 (whoop!). The years are really flying by now! I mean, it’s hard to imagine that in just… 985 year’s.. Nothing much will have changed except they’ll live underwater.

Wow.

To answer your burning suspicions…..No, I didn’t just make those lyrics up. And Yes, you have just caught me……… Busted.

Apparently 2015 is also the year Marty visits in Back to the Future part 2. Not that I remember much of the movie, but that actually saddens me, right down to my Apple seeded core, as the only part of the film I do remember were the hoverboards…. Hoverboards!!! Why isn’t that a thing yet? Back to the Future had it, The Jetson’s had it, The Flinstones were close….. I’m sure we should be there by now, it’s Two Thousand and Fifteen for crying out quiet !! (It’s 2 am)

Between me and you.. The closest I’ve ever came to a hoverboard was an eventful afternoon in Year 9, all those decade ago…. Fuel your imagination tanks and allow your mind to visualise a strapping young Indian lad, in the prime of his youth. The looks of Brad Pitt coupled with the voice of Mariah Carey (puberty was not privy to this story as of yet)… And don’t forget the glasses of course. That…. Was yours truly. The Big Cahoona.

Now picture this young man fleeing for his life from his 14 year old 6 foot 7 Nigerian friend, who’s only intention that lunch time was to slap his giant of a hand on your, admittedly spherical, head.. While he utters the most diabolic of phrases:

‘Heavy rain drop.’

Imagine our hero as he runs for the sheer safety of his brain cells. He lunges through the doors of the library, paying no heed to the ‘No Lunging’ sign. Almost out of breath, he turns the corner, only to be faced with the most perilous of sights. A staircase. Running the first 6 with his captor gaining on him every step of the way, he sees no alternative other than to leap the remainder.

Surviving the jump, all seems well until he turns his immaculate, ball of a head round to his next task. A second flight.

With no time to spare he simply carries on, haphazardly placing each foot infront of the next, all the while cursing the school’s darned architecture. Though his peripheral vision isn’t the strongest, it doesn’t take much to suddenly notice…. The raising of the hand.

The clouds have burst. Terrential downpour is forecast.

Without pausing to think, a good 10 steps remain, his future is uncertain yet he leaves everything to luck as he throws his little legs into the air.

The rest of the story is pretty self explanatory to be honest. I flew. For about 6 steps… I flew. As soon as the freedom bells in my head started ringing however, gravity brought me crashing right back down to Earth, with my foot landing on the most peculiar of objects….

A random little biscuit neatly placed on the second step.

According to eye witnesses (who weren’t even there!!) My foot landed on the biscuit and together, as if transported into an alternate cartoon reality, we (me and the biscuit) were propelled about 50 feet in the air before coming crashing down to our untimely demise.

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Look at it..... Just laying there... All smug.. and crumby.

And that, ladies and gentlefish, is a true story. If you’re wondering why I just narrated it for you then don’t ask me, as I don’t have a clue. I was meant to talk about some of my new years resolutions actually, but there ya go! I guess that post will have to wait til next year now -_-

Who would even put a biscuit on a step man ?????? I just don’t get it.

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Thanks for reading, if you liked any of that, even if it’s just the picture of the Digestive biscuit then Share, Comment and Followwww.………………… Innit.

p.s The lovely picture of the biscuit was from www.morguefile.com BIGUP

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2014 – A Year in Books

2014 is almost coming to a close, and I think I can speak for roughly.. 80% of you when I say:
When did it even start????

This time last year I made a pledge! And that pledge, between me and my 12 goodreads friends, stated that I shall read a whopping 20 books this year! Originally I’d aimed for 30 but just to ‘play it safe’ and to make sure I definitely hit the mark… I stuck with easy figure of 20.

Yeah….. I didn’t make it.

I did, however, get 70% of the way there with a GRAND total of 14! Now even though this isn’t the highest of numbers, (seriously, off the top of my head I can think of like…… 7 higher numbers!!!!) it’s still high enough for me to do a……

TOP 5 BOOKS OF THE YEAAAAAAAR – the two sugars fairly strong dot WordPress dot com edition !!!

The name might need a little tweak but let’s just roll with it…

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I shall sit here and await the payment from Converse for this free advertising....

So Behold!

TOP 5 BOOKS OF THE YEAAAAAAAAR – The Two Sugars Edition 

5. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Coming in at last pla-
No, at number 5, coming in at number 5 we have ‘The Alchemist’. Having already written a review of the book, a post or 3 ago, I don’t feel the need to add a whooole lot more except that I really enjoyed it. The Alchemist wasn’t a hard read in the slightest and thinking back at it, what stands out to me most was the beauty in the language. Especially the personification of the various components of nature, adding an enticing touch to a fairly simple story. But at the end of the day what I have taken from the book and carried with me ever since is simply… Maktub.

4. Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch
Apparently it goes by the name ‘Midnight Riots’ in the US but either way I had never heard of this book, or series of books, until it was gifted to me by a friend, and I am sooooo glad I read it! An ‘urban fantasy’ set in London follows the life of Constable Peter Grant as he goes about his mundane day to day business until suddenly coming into contact with the last wizard in England. #Casual.

If you’re in the market for a humorous fantasy book which also happens to throw shed-loads of London-based trivia your way, I know JUST the thing. This. Enjoy.

3. The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith

Only Robert Galbraith could do this. Write a story with; no wizards, no witches, no noseless villains and no Alan Rickmans, yet still be magical! Although I found that it started off fairly slowly, once I got into the thick of it, it was a real page turner. It’s been a while since I’ve read a good 60-70 pages only to look up and realise that it’s 3am and Oh crap I’m meant to be revising what is my life! But that’s what a great storyteller can do aye! They make you deprioritise your whole life with hopefully no lasting ramifications (fingers crossed!)

In case you don’t know, The Cuckoo’s Calling is a crime novel centering around private detective Cormoran Strike and his, simply perfect, assistant Robin (who incidentally I fell slightly in love with) as they try and solve the case of a deceased model who seemingly flung herself from her Mayfair balcony.

I only bought this book because of a 3-for-2 sale and boy am I glad that I did. In fact I liked it so much that I picked up it’s sequel ‘The Silkworm’ just yesterday. So what are you waiting for???

2. 1984 by George Orwell
It had to take something special to beat The Cuckoo’s Calling and 1984 is just that. I’d heard of this one long before reading it, but I never thought it would interest me in the slightest… It always seemed so grey… So dull…. How wrong I was.

Written in 1948, this novel is George Orwell’s dystopian vision of the future. A country, or even world, put under the watchful eye, and ruled by Big Brother. Luckily for all of us though, due to a large decline in average views, Big Brother recently got bumped to Channel 5, where it still silently clings on for dear life. Phew!

But seriously there was so much more from the George Orwell novel that I wasn’t expecting in the least! I don’t want to spoil any of it so I’ll tread on eggshells.. But I never expected such a gripping relationship nor did I expect to feel empathy towards the fictitious situation and it’s, majorly proletarian, inhabitants. But most of all I never expected the ending. Wow. I shall leave it there before I utter any more words that may end up in the post requiring a ‘Spoiler Alert’ tag.
Big Brother is watching.

That only leaves room for one more book! What will it be! Find out.. on the next expiso-
Or I could just tell you now. Technically my number 1 slot won’t go to a single book, but rather a trilogy of books I read right at the start of the year so, since I warned you, don’t sue me.

I’m (surprisingly, actually quite) proud to announce, the number 1 book(s) that I’ve read in 2014 is/are!!!!…

The Hitchhiker’s Guide The Galaxy (books 1-3) by Douglas Adams

Where to even begin with this one… Quite simply these books are the most random, most bizarre, and the funniest (actually ‘LoL’ worthy at parts) set of books I have ever had the pleasure of reading. There is a fine line between insansity and genius as they say (confession: I don’t actually know who says this or, in fact, if it is even said) but I think Douglas Adams must have had a bit of both.

We start our journey with Earthling Arthur Dent, as he tries to stop the demolishing of his house, by the council, for the building of a by-pass. Pretty intense stuff. When put into perspective, however, by his strange companion, Ford Prefect, it isn’t all that dramatic after all. The Earth itself, our beloved planet, our home, is literally minutes away from being blown to smithereens to build, yes, a bypass.

I can’t do the story any justice whatsoever so I won’t even try but I think it’s simply a must read for everyone, including you!! I mean, who doesn’t want to read about The Vogons, who rank #3 in a list of the Universe’s worst ever poets. Why on Earth (bad choice of words) would you not want to meet Marvin, the borderline suicide Robot, try a Pan Galactic Gargle blaster orrrrr find out ‘The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything’ ????

If you learn anything in 2014, let it be this:
Don’t panic. Read the Hitchhiker’s Guide. Oh and also RIP Douglas Adams.

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So there you have it, my Year in books… If you liked or, probably more likely, disliked anything I said… Or if you’ve read any of these books yourself then let me know what you thought of them too in the comments below (you don’t have to be a blogger to comment) Orrrrr you can give your own top 5 books of the year. Whatever floats your wee little boats. Whatever you do just comment it can get lonely out here you know!!! *exhaled deeply*

Either way: follow, comment and shaaare away

Have a Happy New Year! and thanks for reading 🙂

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The Mother Of All Procrastinators

I don’t know how I always end up here! It’s 2 am, pitch black, and I’m just sat here typing away on Google Keep. Actually… In case my dad reads this (he says he doesn’t but I’m not ready to believe that just yet) it’s actually 4 pm and I’m writing this in a well earned revision break! …….. Yeah that’ll do.

Anywho. Seeing as though I haven’t got a whole lot going on in my life apart from some hard-core procrastination
– Note to self, Procrastination could be a great band name
Another Note to self…… Make a band.
Why don’t I tell you all about the greatest piece of procrastination that has EVER. EXISTED!!!!!!

ARE YOU EXCITED!?!?!?!
ARE YOU WITH ME?????
ARE YOU SCREAMING THESE WORDS INSIDE YOUR HEAD???? If so please get yourself checked out. These aren’t good signs my friend.

What I am rambling about.. Is a game. But not just any old PlayStation or Xbox game. PSSSHT oh hell naw. I’m talking about the kind of game where you literally spend yeaaaaars of your life, your golden years, locked inside the darkest shadows of the most isolated corner of your house… Sapped of all emotion, vigorously clicking away on the only object left which feels ‘right’ in your hands………………… The mouse.

A sick, twisted, time consumingly WONDERFUL ga-
No. I don’t even think I can call it a game. For, as long as it is in your life, it becomes just that. Life. 

If you know me, or if you too have become a victim to this most leisurely of all leisures, then you will be aware of what I am speaking of. In fact I can see you now.. Nodding away in slow motion with your eyes closed, swaying your head in the guiltiest of fashions …… Jeez put some pants on while you read at least! And close your curtains!!  What with the nosy neighbours and all …

Without further adew: Runescape.

Just seeing it, written there, oh how it brings back memories.

I remember the long summer’s of the 2000s. The sun smiling down on everything in it’s wake. Kids running through the streets, a mixture of laughter and football’s flying through the air. Ice cream men showing up just in the nick of time to serve up happiness. I remember the whole lot; jumpers for goalposts, football’s stuck under cars and the last minute goals that put you on the map! But most of all ….. Most of all! I remember the double glazed and surprisingly spotless window pane that separated me from all that hustle and bustle as I sold my last batch of steel bars for the day.

I miss the summers…

image

Nothing quite beats gazing into a pixelated World lost in cyberspace.....

If you don’t know what Runescape is….. Get out. I joke (please stay). Baaaasically it is a huge online world where you create a player, think of the coolest username you can..
Footymagic – XxGangstaMageKillaxX was taken *sigh*
Go through the most boring tutorial known to man and then after all that… You do whatever the hell you want bebbeh!!! Except that! Naughty.

Now of course, being a game, there were some rather cool features to this secret online life of yours. You had the chance to practise magic, try a hand at archery, craft amulets and other goods, slay dragons and many more!

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Sitting here... As you do ...

But I didn’t have time for all that Dragon slaying nonsense! I had other plans, and since apparently my ultimate goal in life was to be a child in the early to mid 1800‘s, mining rocks seemed a much more fitting activity, albeit electronically. I used to spend HOURS….. sat in front of a computer screen with my jaw touching the floor. Drool galore. And I used to click. On a rock.  Every day. Without fail.
For 400 years.

And if I wasn’t clicking on a rock I’d spend my nights calculating how many rocks I’d click on the next day and how much gp (the currency) that would amount to. 

It got so bad that I distinctively remember one night walking into my brother’s room. Eyes aglow, just after they had introduced the grand exchange and all I remember saying to him, in all seriousness, was:
‘I’m going to manipulate the trade market.’ Followed by a well rehearsed speech about the fluctuations in various stocks and other non-household goods.

Oh I could go on and on but I’m pretty sure that half of you that started reading this haven’t actually got this far (is half being optimistic?). So therefore I’m just going to end with a few quotes that you’d usually see in a typical ‘scapin session:

Flash2:wave: Rune scimi 32k!!!

Flash:scroll: Steel bars 250 ea.

Ur dadz a n00b stp followin me

Less sort dis beef in da wildie u punk ***

Special treat press Alt + f4 to get free 1mil

If u type ur password in it comes up starred! Look *********** !!!!!!!

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Thanks for reading! If you liked the post and want to hear more of what I’ve got to say…. Then give me money. Srsly…. I need food.
Orrrrrr just follow away and don’t forget to share the site on the Twittergram or the Facebooks or whatever you crazy kids are using these days. Ahhhhh Bebo… That’s the one!

Oh and comment!!! …. Peace!

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