Tag Archives: blog

How to Visit an Art Gallery

 

The year is still young.

 

Today (or whenever you read this) I will give you all a gift. A gift which will surely fulfill many of the New Year’s resolutions you never even made.

 

In 5 fairly easy steps I shall transform you into an elite member of society, the pinnacle of humankind, the ray of light in an ever dimming world. You shall become… A gallery-goer.

 

Cue the explosions.

 

Even those with next to no knowledge of art, such as myself, will be able to infiltrate any art gallery around the world using this 5 step method. For no reason whatsoever.

 

Use this power wisely.

 

First we need to get you ready. To lay the foundations for our elaborate ruse.

 

Step 1 – You must always carry a briefcase.  Even if the only contents are a Beano and some tissues, a briefcase will command immediate respect. You will become an overnight connoisseur of the fine arts, and any opinion you utter will be taken as undeniable fact. Fact.

 

Step 2 – Spectacles will need to be worn. They are an essential part of our disguise and the true purpose of this shall be revealed shortly.

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This coffee table really knows its art history.

Step 3 – Disdain must always be shown to the sworn enemy of the gallery-goer, the tourist. If ever the tourist does anything to ruin the ambiance either by taking photographs, eating a picnic or even just by speaking, you must immediately locate your nearest fellow gallery-goer, raise your eyebrows, and tut.

 

Step 4You must always use vague words of appreciation. It is completely necessary to inspect each work of art you come across by peering closely at it for 4-5 seconds. After the seconds are up, you must address no one in particular and mutter the word ‘splendid’ before shortly moving on. The following are a list of words/phrases you can use instead of ‘splendid’ in order to keep things fresh:

– Jolly good

– Well I’ll be……

– Fascinating

– Absolutely spiffing if I may say

– Elementary my dear Watson.

 

So far you’re doing great! But if you really want to knock ’em dead (an actual possibility) and have your name etched in the annals of Art Gallery History, you can use this next move. The Finishing Move.

 

Step 5Use the finishing move sparingly. Whenever you arrive to the section with the largest number of viewers, it is safe to assume that this is the main exhibition piece. The pièce de résistance, if you will.

 

Your entire life has lead to this moment.

 

The onlookers all hold their breath.

 

Using only the thumb and pointer finger from your right hand. You will slowly and dramatically re-position your spectacles from the bridge of your nose to the extreme tip of it. Gravity itself will be tempted to bring your glasses down if it, too, wasn’t holding its breath.

 

With your glasses at the tip of your nose, you must tantalisingly tilt your head ever so slightly upwards and make an expression full of pondering. This will be achieved by squinting your eyes whilst simultaneously pulling your bottom lip over the top.

 

Be careful of how often you use this pose though as many in our society actually suffer from the very rare disease, Resting Gallery Face . You have been warned.

 

As the crowd looks on, you can now relax your face, pretend to wipe dust off of your briefcase and make for the exit. After 2 short strides however, you must look up to the ceiling and let the shortest chuckle escape out from your lips and into the air.

 

Note of caution: Only a chuckle is needed at this point. A chortle could throw all our plans out the window.

 

To all present, It will be as if the artist himself has jumped through time and shared a private joke with you.

 

The mission is complete. Gravity will blink in the face of death, the Earth will resume its habitual orbit of the Sun and a lone tear will trickle down the cheek of every single gallery-goer present, as the tourist continues to ignore the ‘no flash photography’ sign up ahead.

squadgoals

Congratulations, this is your new crew! #SquadGoals

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Career of Evil by Robert Galbraith

I have tried to start this blog post 3 times already, and so far nothing has worked. So this will have to do.

A considerable amount of time has certainly passed between the last post and this but, like the father who went out for groceries 9 years ago and only returned today, let us all just carry on as if nothing has happened.

Honey, I’m home.

Today I shall attempt a short review of the latest Robert Galbraith novel, Career of Evil.

Career of Evil is the third instalment in Robert Galbraith’s  series, centering around private detective Cormoran (it’s kind of like Cameron, but isn’t) Strike and his extremely loveable (seriously) side-kick Robin Ellacott.

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I’ve never seen a book pose so hard in my entire life.

Without giving anything away, the story begins when a package by an unknown courier is delivered to my beloved Robin. Attached is a note containing lyrics by the band Blue Öyster Cult, which on its own could actually be a nice gesture, if it wasn’t sullied by a woman’s severed leg.

Strike (yes, we are on second name basis) is subsequently convinced that the perpetrator is one of four people, all of whom are from his past and with some reason to hate his guts.

What I loved about this book, which differed from the previous two, was that the narrative was split roughly 50/50 between both Robin and Strike. As we are taken through the case trying to whittle down the list of suspects, we are also taken back in time and given a large insight into the pasts of both protagonists. It feels as if the first two books introduced the characters whereas this third part has truly opened them up to us.

As an added feature, we are also shown parts of the story from the point of view of the killer. As gruesome as these sections were, I thought they were a brilliant touch to a great book.

Despite the fact that ‘The Cuckoo’s Calling’ and ‘The Silkworm’ set the bar very high in my mind, ‘Career of Evil’ not only met my expectations, but pretty much raised them even further for the next book. Good luck JK- I mean Robert.

If I was to criticise the book at all I would say that perhaps there could have been more twists added to the story, but then I would instantly retort by stating that the lack of a ‘twist at every turn’ added a realness to the novel.

At least I tried.

I am still struggling to decide whether this book or the first was my favourite in the series so far. If I were to go purely with my gut, the gut being the most literary-appreciative organ in the body after all, I would have to say that The Cuckoo’s Calling just about edges it. Nevertheless, Career of Evil is still a definite page turner.

It will make you miss your stop on the bus or the tube. It will make you laugh out loud at parts and may even break your heart at others. Simply put, It’s like an Adele song on steroids.

If you haven’t read the series yet then you should start questioning your life choices and maybe place me in charge of them.

Overall rating: 9/10.

Lastly, as the series will be undergoing a TV adaptation, I would like to formally nominate Greg Davies for the part of Cormoran Strike. Watch this space.

Thank you for spending your not-so-valuable time reading my blog post. Feel free to use the comment section to your fingers content. Discuss the book, discuss me, discuss global warming, discuss the sheriff but do not, I repeat DO NOT, discuss the deputy.

Happy New Year and good morrow.

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The Mother Of All Procrastinators

I don’t know how I always end up here! It’s 2 am, pitch black, and I’m just sat here typing away on Google Keep. Actually… In case my dad reads this (he says he doesn’t but I’m not ready to believe that just yet) it’s actually 4 pm and I’m writing this in a well earned revision break! …….. Yeah that’ll do.

Anywho. Seeing as though I haven’t got a whole lot going on in my life apart from some hard-core procrastination
– Note to self, Procrastination could be a great band name
Another Note to self…… Make a band.
Why don’t I tell you all about the greatest piece of procrastination that has EVER. EXISTED!!!!!!

ARE YOU EXCITED!?!?!?!
ARE YOU WITH ME?????
ARE YOU SCREAMING THESE WORDS INSIDE YOUR HEAD???? If so please get yourself checked out. These aren’t good signs my friend.

What I am rambling about.. Is a game. But not just any old PlayStation or Xbox game. PSSSHT oh hell naw. I’m talking about the kind of game where you literally spend yeaaaaars of your life, your golden years, locked inside the darkest shadows of the most isolated corner of your house… Sapped of all emotion, vigorously clicking away on the only object left which feels ‘right’ in your hands………………… The mouse.

A sick, twisted, time consumingly WONDERFUL ga-
No. I don’t even think I can call it a game. For, as long as it is in your life, it becomes just that. Life. 

If you know me, or if you too have become a victim to this most leisurely of all leisures, then you will be aware of what I am speaking of. In fact I can see you now.. Nodding away in slow motion with your eyes closed, swaying your head in the guiltiest of fashions …… Jeez put some pants on while you read at least! And close your curtains!!  What with the nosy neighbours and all …

Without further adew: Runescape.

Just seeing it, written there, oh how it brings back memories.

I remember the long summer’s of the 2000s. The sun smiling down on everything in it’s wake. Kids running through the streets, a mixture of laughter and football’s flying through the air. Ice cream men showing up just in the nick of time to serve up happiness. I remember the whole lot; jumpers for goalposts, football’s stuck under cars and the last minute goals that put you on the map! But most of all ….. Most of all! I remember the double glazed and surprisingly spotless window pane that separated me from all that hustle and bustle as I sold my last batch of steel bars for the day.

I miss the summers…

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Nothing quite beats gazing into a pixelated World lost in cyberspace.....

If you don’t know what Runescape is….. Get out. I joke (please stay). Baaaasically it is a huge online world where you create a player, think of the coolest username you can..
Footymagic – XxGangstaMageKillaxX was taken *sigh*
Go through the most boring tutorial known to man and then after all that… You do whatever the hell you want bebbeh!!! Except that! Naughty.

Now of course, being a game, there were some rather cool features to this secret online life of yours. You had the chance to practise magic, try a hand at archery, craft amulets and other goods, slay dragons and many more!

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Sitting here... As you do ...

But I didn’t have time for all that Dragon slaying nonsense! I had other plans, and since apparently my ultimate goal in life was to be a child in the early to mid 1800‘s, mining rocks seemed a much more fitting activity, albeit electronically. I used to spend HOURS….. sat in front of a computer screen with my jaw touching the floor. Drool galore. And I used to click. On a rock.  Every day. Without fail.
For 400 years.

And if I wasn’t clicking on a rock I’d spend my nights calculating how many rocks I’d click on the next day and how much gp (the currency) that would amount to. 

It got so bad that I distinctively remember one night walking into my brother’s room. Eyes aglow, just after they had introduced the grand exchange and all I remember saying to him, in all seriousness, was:
‘I’m going to manipulate the trade market.’ Followed by a well rehearsed speech about the fluctuations in various stocks and other non-household goods.

Oh I could go on and on but I’m pretty sure that half of you that started reading this haven’t actually got this far (is half being optimistic?). So therefore I’m just going to end with a few quotes that you’d usually see in a typical ‘scapin session:

Flash2:wave: Rune scimi 32k!!!

Flash:scroll: Steel bars 250 ea.

Ur dadz a n00b stp followin me

Less sort dis beef in da wildie u punk ***

Special treat press Alt + f4 to get free 1mil

If u type ur password in it comes up starred! Look *********** !!!!!!!

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Thanks for reading! If you liked the post and want to hear more of what I’ve got to say…. Then give me money. Srsly…. I need food.
Orrrrrr just follow away and don’t forget to share the site on the Twittergram or the Facebooks or whatever you crazy kids are using these days. Ahhhhh Bebo… That’s the one!

Oh and comment!!! …. Peace!

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A Post from the Heart

As I sit here on this cold winters night; gazing deeply into the abyss unfolding before me, listening intently for the faintest of sounds, lost within the complex fortress of my own mind.. I can’t help but wonder…..

a) Why is there a random man sat next to me ???????????
b) Why is he bald??????
c) Why did I stop blogging.

I am fully aware that, deep down within your cyberhearts, you’ve all been filled with worry and concern for me! But worry not for I am fine, or as fine as a final year uni student could hope to be I suppose.

For months I’ve been convincing myself that I haven’t been writing due to a ‘tremendous work load.’ But we All know that’s a lie! Procrastination. Population: Me. 

The sad and bitter truth of the matter however is this… Brace yourselves…

No, seriously, brace yourself. hold a desk, hold the edge of your bed, hold your lover, hold… yourself. Whatever it takes!

The truth is that I just can’t seem to find anything worth writing about :O (Ohhhhhhhhh the horror! Ohhhhhh The shame!)

My life right now is a packet of Walkers Ready Salted… when I’m secretly wanting Sensations Thai sweet chilli…. You feel me??? You get me??? Ofcourse you do.

At this not-so-very low point in my life, the only solace I could find were in the wise words of Professor Albus Dumbledore. And they are as follows:

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Dumbledore got some mad flow for real.

Don’t worry! You’re not hallucinating. You’re not stoned off your head on some chronic bud (well you might be – in which case – 420 blaze it dank)

Dumbledore! said these words. the greatest wizard of our time! Was a crackhead. But do you know what these words say to me??

They say:
‘Daanyaal. Write. Even if it’s the most mundane thing in the world, write. Even if you barely find it funny yourself! Write. Because…. Someone, Somewhere, might be having the least productive day imaginable, stumble on your blog, read a post (!!!) and maybe just maybe… They’ll even crack a smile. Even though they won’t! They might.’

And I shall end the end of my long hiatus on that.

P.s. I recently went to the Warner bros Harry Potter studios tour London and it was
*high pitched voice*
Awwweeesomeeee!!

P.p.s. In retrospect I could have just written about my visit to the studio but AAAAAAH WELL !

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A Special Day…

Comrades! Today was a special day. We are blessed to have lived through such a momentous occasion.
‘What was today, oh great one?’ I hear you ask. Fear not, my children! For I shall answer that question in a few words time, Shirley.

Today was, according to twitter, National Burger Day! (Woo)

Therefore it is only fitting that I tell you about a burger that is very close (but hopefully not too close for health reasons!) to my heart. Let’s get personal up in here brahs.

*violin plays*

I know you readers are spread out across the globe BUT should any of you ever pass by the great city of Bradford (BD7 to be exact) then it is a must that you try out this, what can only be described as, the Beast Between the Buns!

You may have guessed it already, but the burger which I am speaking of today is, nothing but, the world renowned:
Drum roll please….
Euro’s Tower Burger!

Oh yeah !

Now this isn’t one of your;
clean cut, nicely packed, good-for-your-health kinda burgers oh no! It’s dutty as hell, a teensy bit wonkeh and may induce bowel movements, and then some.

But by George does it hit the spot.

It is a sheer testament to the burger that, despite that mean and slightly exaggerated though-not-too-exaggerated description I just gave, the masses will always go crawling back for more.

Now you might be thinking this to be like any other burger but my friend you couldn’t be more wrong. Here’s how an encounter with this burger will go:
You order the burger
You bite into the burger
You begin to lose all hope in humanity
You teeter onto the edge of insanity
BUT THEN!
You’re tongue discovers the most sweetest of sensations
A Hash.
Bloody.
Brown.
Phwoar… The rest speaks for itself really.
YOU BECOME!!!! THE BURGER!!!

If you’re especially lucky, the ever so lovely workers will even stash a little chicken wing inside your chips! And that’s not creepy at all…

But there you have it. The best burger in Bradford, nay! The best burger in the world!

If you are ever fortunate enough to pop down, say Daanyaal sent you and you might just get a funny look ’cause, to be honest, I’m not on first name basis with any of the staff there.

Talk about that free advertising!

P.s. Euros recently changed their name to Kings
Who even knows why ):
Location: Next to the post office near Uni.

Peace.

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Tokyo Ghooouuuuuuuuul

For those readers (all 12 of you out there! :* ) who aren’t into Anime or Manga…. This will seem like a pretty childish/lame/creepy/OMGgetalife kinda post.

But ah well! You’re here so you might as well carry on reading right?.. Right?…

Anywhoo I just wanted to write about an A-maaaaaazing Anime (Japanese cartoon) I’ve seen recently; namely, Tokyo Ghoul.

Without spoiling the story of it all too much, in essense, it is about a World infested by these; supernatural, vampire-like, human eating and also human resembling creatures known as Ghouls.

The great thing about this show however is that we see things from the perspective of the ghouls, get an inside scoop of their own struggles and generally learn to realise that a lot of them aren’t the monsters they’re made out to be…

DEEEEEEEP
Naughty humans!

But yeah anyways the moral of the overall plot I believe is that, instead of the constant persecution, if there ever is to be real peace between the two.. Then communication and understanding is key.. Ignorance doesn’t seem so bliss anymore!

But in the mean time some badass fighting sequences shan’t go amiss.

In conclusion!! The moral of myyyyy story is that you should definitely go and watch this show because its:

Proper Sick Br00o

And there’s only 8 episodes so far so why not ???

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The dreaded first post! :O

First things first (am the rillist) I think it’s important, nay! Imperative! Yes that’s a good word ‘imperative’! For me to clarify that this nooby of a blog has nothing to do with Tea :/

Oh the shame.. Oh the horror…

But fear not my oh-so-loyal subjects for it has been said that a cup of tea can be found in the most darkest of places, so long as one remembers to turn on the light (cheers Dumbledore)

Yikes this blog has already started to digress but nevertheless keep your beady little eyes on this space for some reyt-good waffling but also for some poetry ??

But until we meet again young reader… Thank you and good night

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This is exactly the kind of thing this site is not about!!!!

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