Tag Archives: humour

How to Visit an Art Gallery

 

The year is still young.

 

Today (or whenever you read this) I will give you all a gift. A gift which will surely fulfill many of the New Year’s resolutions you never even made.

 

In 5 fairly easy steps I shall transform you into an elite member of society, the pinnacle of humankind, the ray of light in an ever dimming world. You shall become… A gallery-goer.

 

Cue the explosions.

 

Even those with next to no knowledge of art, such as myself, will be able to infiltrate any art gallery around the world using this 5 step method. For no reason whatsoever.

 

Use this power wisely.

 

First we need to get you ready. To lay the foundations for our elaborate ruse.

 

Step 1 – You must always carry a briefcase.  Even if the only contents are a Beano and some tissues, a briefcase will command immediate respect. You will become an overnight connoisseur of the fine arts, and any opinion you utter will be taken as undeniable fact. Fact.

 

Step 2 – Spectacles will need to be worn. They are an essential part of our disguise and the true purpose of this shall be revealed shortly.

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This coffee table really knows its art history.

Step 3 – Disdain must always be shown to the sworn enemy of the gallery-goer, the tourist. If ever the tourist does anything to ruin the ambiance either by taking photographs, eating a picnic or even just by speaking, you must immediately locate your nearest fellow gallery-goer, raise your eyebrows, and tut.

 

Step 4You must always use vague words of appreciation. It is completely necessary to inspect each work of art you come across by peering closely at it for 4-5 seconds. After the seconds are up, you must address no one in particular and mutter the word ‘splendid’ before shortly moving on. The following are a list of words/phrases you can use instead of ‘splendid’ in order to keep things fresh:

– Jolly good

– Well I’ll be……

– Fascinating

– Absolutely spiffing if I may say

– Elementary my dear Watson.

 

So far you’re doing great! But if you really want to knock ’em dead (an actual possibility) and have your name etched in the annals of Art Gallery History, you can use this next move. The Finishing Move.

 

Step 5Use the finishing move sparingly. Whenever you arrive to the section with the largest number of viewers, it is safe to assume that this is the main exhibition piece. The pièce de résistance, if you will.

 

Your entire life has lead to this moment.

 

The onlookers all hold their breath.

 

Using only the thumb and pointer finger from your right hand. You will slowly and dramatically re-position your spectacles from the bridge of your nose to the extreme tip of it. Gravity itself will be tempted to bring your glasses down if it, too, wasn’t holding its breath.

 

With your glasses at the tip of your nose, you must tantalisingly tilt your head ever so slightly upwards and make an expression full of pondering. This will be achieved by squinting your eyes whilst simultaneously pulling your bottom lip over the top.

 

Be careful of how often you use this pose though as many in our society actually suffer from the very rare disease, Resting Gallery Face . You have been warned.

 

As the crowd looks on, you can now relax your face, pretend to wipe dust off of your briefcase and make for the exit. After 2 short strides however, you must look up to the ceiling and let the shortest chuckle escape out from your lips and into the air.

 

Note of caution: Only a chuckle is needed at this point. A chortle could throw all our plans out the window.

 

To all present, It will be as if the artist himself has jumped through time and shared a private joke with you.

 

The mission is complete. Gravity will blink in the face of death, the Earth will resume its habitual orbit of the Sun and a lone tear will trickle down the cheek of every single gallery-goer present, as the tourist continues to ignore the ‘no flash photography’ sign up ahead.

squadgoals

Congratulations, this is your new crew! #SquadGoals

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To Infinity… And Beyond!

So…. We’re already two days into 2k15 (whoop!). The years are really flying by now! I mean, it’s hard to imagine that in just… 985 year’s.. Nothing much will have changed except they’ll live underwater.

Wow.

To answer your burning suspicions…..No, I didn’t just make those lyrics up. And Yes, you have just caught me……… Busted.

Apparently 2015 is also the year Marty visits in Back to the Future part 2. Not that I remember much of the movie, but that actually saddens me, right down to my Apple seeded core, as the only part of the film I do remember were the hoverboards…. Hoverboards!!! Why isn’t that a thing yet? Back to the Future had it, The Jetson’s had it, The Flinstones were close….. I’m sure we should be there by now, it’s Two Thousand and Fifteen for crying out quiet !! (It’s 2 am)

Between me and you.. The closest I’ve ever came to a hoverboard was an eventful afternoon in Year 9, all those decade ago…. Fuel your imagination tanks and allow your mind to visualise a strapping young Indian lad, in the prime of his youth. The looks of Brad Pitt coupled with the voice of Mariah Carey (puberty was not privy to this story as of yet)… And don’t forget the glasses of course. That…. Was yours truly. The Big Cahoona.

Now picture this young man fleeing for his life from his 14 year old 6 foot 7 Nigerian friend, who’s only intention that lunch time was to slap his giant of a hand on your, admittedly spherical, head.. While he utters the most diabolic of phrases:

‘Heavy rain drop.’

Imagine our hero as he runs for the sheer safety of his brain cells. He lunges through the doors of the library, paying no heed to the ‘No Lunging’ sign. Almost out of breath, he turns the corner, only to be faced with the most perilous of sights. A staircase. Running the first 6 with his captor gaining on him every step of the way, he sees no alternative other than to leap the remainder.

Surviving the jump, all seems well until he turns his immaculate, ball of a head round to his next task. A second flight.

With no time to spare he simply carries on, haphazardly placing each foot infront of the next, all the while cursing the school’s darned architecture. Though his peripheral vision isn’t the strongest, it doesn’t take much to suddenly notice…. The raising of the hand.

The clouds have burst. Terrential downpour is forecast.

Without pausing to think, a good 10 steps remain, his future is uncertain yet he leaves everything to luck as he throws his little legs into the air.

The rest of the story is pretty self explanatory to be honest. I flew. For about 6 steps… I flew. As soon as the freedom bells in my head started ringing however, gravity brought me crashing right back down to Earth, with my foot landing on the most peculiar of objects….

A random little biscuit neatly placed on the second step.

According to eye witnesses (who weren’t even there!!) My foot landed on the biscuit and together, as if transported into an alternate cartoon reality, we (me and the biscuit) were propelled about 50 feet in the air before coming crashing down to our untimely demise.

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Look at it..... Just laying there... All smug.. and crumby.

And that, ladies and gentlefish, is a true story. If you’re wondering why I just narrated it for you then don’t ask me, as I don’t have a clue. I was meant to talk about some of my new years resolutions actually, but there ya go! I guess that post will have to wait til next year now -_-

Who would even put a biscuit on a step man ?????? I just don’t get it.

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Thanks for reading, if you liked any of that, even if it’s just the picture of the Digestive biscuit then Share, Comment and Followwww.………………… Innit.

p.s The lovely picture of the biscuit was from www.morguefile.com BIGUP

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2014 – A Year in Books

2014 is almost coming to a close, and I think I can speak for roughly.. 80% of you when I say:
When did it even start????

This time last year I made a pledge! And that pledge, between me and my 12 goodreads friends, stated that I shall read a whopping 20 books this year! Originally I’d aimed for 30 but just to ‘play it safe’ and to make sure I definitely hit the mark… I stuck with easy figure of 20.

Yeah….. I didn’t make it.

I did, however, get 70% of the way there with a GRAND total of 14! Now even though this isn’t the highest of numbers, (seriously, off the top of my head I can think of like…… 7 higher numbers!!!!) it’s still high enough for me to do a……

TOP 5 BOOKS OF THE YEAAAAAAAR – the two sugars fairly strong dot WordPress dot com edition !!!

The name might need a little tweak but let’s just roll with it…

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I shall sit here and await the payment from Converse for this free advertising....

So Behold!

TOP 5 BOOKS OF THE YEAAAAAAAAR – The Two Sugars Edition 

5. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Coming in at last pla-
No, at number 5, coming in at number 5 we have ‘The Alchemist’. Having already written a review of the book, a post or 3 ago, I don’t feel the need to add a whooole lot more except that I really enjoyed it. The Alchemist wasn’t a hard read in the slightest and thinking back at it, what stands out to me most was the beauty in the language. Especially the personification of the various components of nature, adding an enticing touch to a fairly simple story. But at the end of the day what I have taken from the book and carried with me ever since is simply… Maktub.

4. Rivers of London by Ben Aaronovitch
Apparently it goes by the name ‘Midnight Riots’ in the US but either way I had never heard of this book, or series of books, until it was gifted to me by a friend, and I am sooooo glad I read it! An ‘urban fantasy’ set in London follows the life of Constable Peter Grant as he goes about his mundane day to day business until suddenly coming into contact with the last wizard in England. #Casual.

If you’re in the market for a humorous fantasy book which also happens to throw shed-loads of London-based trivia your way, I know JUST the thing. This. Enjoy.

3. The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith

Only Robert Galbraith could do this. Write a story with; no wizards, no witches, no noseless villains and no Alan Rickmans, yet still be magical! Although I found that it started off fairly slowly, once I got into the thick of it, it was a real page turner. It’s been a while since I’ve read a good 60-70 pages only to look up and realise that it’s 3am and Oh crap I’m meant to be revising what is my life! But that’s what a great storyteller can do aye! They make you deprioritise your whole life with hopefully no lasting ramifications (fingers crossed!)

In case you don’t know, The Cuckoo’s Calling is a crime novel centering around private detective Cormoran Strike and his, simply perfect, assistant Robin (who incidentally I fell slightly in love with) as they try and solve the case of a deceased model who seemingly flung herself from her Mayfair balcony.

I only bought this book because of a 3-for-2 sale and boy am I glad that I did. In fact I liked it so much that I picked up it’s sequel ‘The Silkworm’ just yesterday. So what are you waiting for???

2. 1984 by George Orwell
It had to take something special to beat The Cuckoo’s Calling and 1984 is just that. I’d heard of this one long before reading it, but I never thought it would interest me in the slightest… It always seemed so grey… So dull…. How wrong I was.

Written in 1948, this novel is George Orwell’s dystopian vision of the future. A country, or even world, put under the watchful eye, and ruled by Big Brother. Luckily for all of us though, due to a large decline in average views, Big Brother recently got bumped to Channel 5, where it still silently clings on for dear life. Phew!

But seriously there was so much more from the George Orwell novel that I wasn’t expecting in the least! I don’t want to spoil any of it so I’ll tread on eggshells.. But I never expected such a gripping relationship nor did I expect to feel empathy towards the fictitious situation and it’s, majorly proletarian, inhabitants. But most of all I never expected the ending. Wow. I shall leave it there before I utter any more words that may end up in the post requiring a ‘Spoiler Alert’ tag.
Big Brother is watching.

That only leaves room for one more book! What will it be! Find out.. on the next expiso-
Or I could just tell you now. Technically my number 1 slot won’t go to a single book, but rather a trilogy of books I read right at the start of the year so, since I warned you, don’t sue me.

I’m (surprisingly, actually quite) proud to announce, the number 1 book(s) that I’ve read in 2014 is/are!!!!…

The Hitchhiker’s Guide The Galaxy (books 1-3) by Douglas Adams

Where to even begin with this one… Quite simply these books are the most random, most bizarre, and the funniest (actually ‘LoL’ worthy at parts) set of books I have ever had the pleasure of reading. There is a fine line between insansity and genius as they say (confession: I don’t actually know who says this or, in fact, if it is even said) but I think Douglas Adams must have had a bit of both.

We start our journey with Earthling Arthur Dent, as he tries to stop the demolishing of his house, by the council, for the building of a by-pass. Pretty intense stuff. When put into perspective, however, by his strange companion, Ford Prefect, it isn’t all that dramatic after all. The Earth itself, our beloved planet, our home, is literally minutes away from being blown to smithereens to build, yes, a bypass.

I can’t do the story any justice whatsoever so I won’t even try but I think it’s simply a must read for everyone, including you!! I mean, who doesn’t want to read about The Vogons, who rank #3 in a list of the Universe’s worst ever poets. Why on Earth (bad choice of words) would you not want to meet Marvin, the borderline suicide Robot, try a Pan Galactic Gargle blaster orrrrr find out ‘The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything’ ????

If you learn anything in 2014, let it be this:
Don’t panic. Read the Hitchhiker’s Guide. Oh and also RIP Douglas Adams.

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So there you have it, my Year in books… If you liked or, probably more likely, disliked anything I said… Or if you’ve read any of these books yourself then let me know what you thought of them too in the comments below (you don’t have to be a blogger to comment) Orrrrr you can give your own top 5 books of the year. Whatever floats your wee little boats. Whatever you do just comment it can get lonely out here you know!!! *exhaled deeply*

Either way: follow, comment and shaaare away

Have a Happy New Year! and thanks for reading 🙂

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The Mother Of All Procrastinators

I don’t know how I always end up here! It’s 2 am, pitch black, and I’m just sat here typing away on Google Keep. Actually… In case my dad reads this (he says he doesn’t but I’m not ready to believe that just yet) it’s actually 4 pm and I’m writing this in a well earned revision break! …….. Yeah that’ll do.

Anywho. Seeing as though I haven’t got a whole lot going on in my life apart from some hard-core procrastination
– Note to self, Procrastination could be a great band name
Another Note to self…… Make a band.
Why don’t I tell you all about the greatest piece of procrastination that has EVER. EXISTED!!!!!!

ARE YOU EXCITED!?!?!?!
ARE YOU WITH ME?????
ARE YOU SCREAMING THESE WORDS INSIDE YOUR HEAD???? If so please get yourself checked out. These aren’t good signs my friend.

What I am rambling about.. Is a game. But not just any old PlayStation or Xbox game. PSSSHT oh hell naw. I’m talking about the kind of game where you literally spend yeaaaaars of your life, your golden years, locked inside the darkest shadows of the most isolated corner of your house… Sapped of all emotion, vigorously clicking away on the only object left which feels ‘right’ in your hands………………… The mouse.

A sick, twisted, time consumingly WONDERFUL ga-
No. I don’t even think I can call it a game. For, as long as it is in your life, it becomes just that. Life. 

If you know me, or if you too have become a victim to this most leisurely of all leisures, then you will be aware of what I am speaking of. In fact I can see you now.. Nodding away in slow motion with your eyes closed, swaying your head in the guiltiest of fashions …… Jeez put some pants on while you read at least! And close your curtains!!  What with the nosy neighbours and all …

Without further adew: Runescape.

Just seeing it, written there, oh how it brings back memories.

I remember the long summer’s of the 2000s. The sun smiling down on everything in it’s wake. Kids running through the streets, a mixture of laughter and football’s flying through the air. Ice cream men showing up just in the nick of time to serve up happiness. I remember the whole lot; jumpers for goalposts, football’s stuck under cars and the last minute goals that put you on the map! But most of all ….. Most of all! I remember the double glazed and surprisingly spotless window pane that separated me from all that hustle and bustle as I sold my last batch of steel bars for the day.

I miss the summers…

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Nothing quite beats gazing into a pixelated World lost in cyberspace.....

If you don’t know what Runescape is….. Get out. I joke (please stay). Baaaasically it is a huge online world where you create a player, think of the coolest username you can..
Footymagic – XxGangstaMageKillaxX was taken *sigh*
Go through the most boring tutorial known to man and then after all that… You do whatever the hell you want bebbeh!!! Except that! Naughty.

Now of course, being a game, there were some rather cool features to this secret online life of yours. You had the chance to practise magic, try a hand at archery, craft amulets and other goods, slay dragons and many more!

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Sitting here... As you do ...

But I didn’t have time for all that Dragon slaying nonsense! I had other plans, and since apparently my ultimate goal in life was to be a child in the early to mid 1800‘s, mining rocks seemed a much more fitting activity, albeit electronically. I used to spend HOURS….. sat in front of a computer screen with my jaw touching the floor. Drool galore. And I used to click. On a rock.  Every day. Without fail.
For 400 years.

And if I wasn’t clicking on a rock I’d spend my nights calculating how many rocks I’d click on the next day and how much gp (the currency) that would amount to. 

It got so bad that I distinctively remember one night walking into my brother’s room. Eyes aglow, just after they had introduced the grand exchange and all I remember saying to him, in all seriousness, was:
‘I’m going to manipulate the trade market.’ Followed by a well rehearsed speech about the fluctuations in various stocks and other non-household goods.

Oh I could go on and on but I’m pretty sure that half of you that started reading this haven’t actually got this far (is half being optimistic?). So therefore I’m just going to end with a few quotes that you’d usually see in a typical ‘scapin session:

Flash2:wave: Rune scimi 32k!!!

Flash:scroll: Steel bars 250 ea.

Ur dadz a n00b stp followin me

Less sort dis beef in da wildie u punk ***

Special treat press Alt + f4 to get free 1mil

If u type ur password in it comes up starred! Look *********** !!!!!!!

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Thanks for reading! If you liked the post and want to hear more of what I’ve got to say…. Then give me money. Srsly…. I need food.
Orrrrrr just follow away and don’t forget to share the site on the Twittergram or the Facebooks or whatever you crazy kids are using these days. Ahhhhh Bebo… That’s the one!

Oh and comment!!! …. Peace!

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